Wednesday, December 23, 2009


Squid Livingston: titter, if you're hurt and don't have a lot of points I'll still heal you
Katya: i don't want your pity heals
Squid Livingston: provided beta is already fully buffed, I mean
betaray: that's ok
Squid Livingston: and single-handedly about to win the entire game for us
Squid Livingston: okay, I'll give you directions to the nearest health kit
Squid Livingston: best I can do
Squid Livingston: my hands are tied

Barn Door, Horses

ralph: niteowl, is that bag for the lube and tutu?
Niteowl: anyhow, kenneth cole bags, half off, until 5pm
chrisd: like Niteowl's pants
Niteowl: silly ralph, those fit in my jacket
Niteowl: i mean, what lube and tutu

DIY with at turtleneck

betaray: is it hard to upgrade the hd in a mac?
chrisd: imac: fucking impossible
chrisd: mac pro: dead easy
chrisd: macbook: fucking pain in the ass, and I ended up with 10 screws left over


Katya: ralph gonna play tonight?
ralph: nah
ralph: fuck videogames
ralph: I gotta backyard to do some shit with
cheesoning: leanto for your floss bike?
ralph: my mom is DYING for a bamboo bike since she left hers in china
betaray: it's on the private server now
ralph: making it for her for christmas
cheesoning: that's funny, she didn't mention the bike.
cheesoning: (where is bigjimslade?!)
Katya: and its time for snofort
ralph: oh, no, see you don't know her cheesoning.
ralph: I can see where that's confusing.
cheesoning: I'm out of my depth. I was just holding place for BJS.
cheesoning: Apologies.
ralph: he's off fucking yer m
ralph: can't do it
cheesoning: son of a...
betaray: Mom Joke Judo there

Thinks Encouragement Is Hamlet In Northern England

ralph: let's see your entry into the boingboing short fiction contest
ralph: I got my meh button ready
ralph: I look forward to reading your work*

Suspicious Reading List

gordonfrohman: anarchists cookbook
person42: watch this with the sound off and get creeped the fuck out in 10 seconds
person42: great idea froh, is it legal?
gordonfrohman: this is america
Niteowl: so no
gordonfrohman: so he can get the book and also get to meet some secret service agents
gordonfrohman: and maybe a nice 7-9 year trip to cuba
Niteowl: and you'll meet Colonel Hardass, head of the Special Division For Patriotism, Homeland Security, Apple Pie, Advanced Interrogation Techniques and Car Battery to the Balls.

Transferable Skills

Squib Livingston: I wonder what the most useless olympic skill is in everyday life
Squib Livingston: I was just thinking an olympic high jumper could easily get into our shop yard
Squib Livingston: but he would bust himself up landing on his back
liquidindian: Surely the walking race.
Squib Livingston: hm, walking fast is pretty dumb when you can run
ralph: curling, being the guy who slides the iron
Squib Livingston: unless you're trying to appear nonchalant
Squib Livingston: but it's hard to appear nonchalant walking at 16mph
ralph: synchronized swimming
Squib Livingston: hm
Squib Livingston: that's damn useless, unless you're trying to convince a nazi he's had too much to drink and is seeing double
Squib Livingston: which I've only had to do maybe two, three times, tops, in my life
ralph: well, they do put vaseline on their teeth to keep smiling
ralph: despite chlorine.
ralph: that's a good tip


Squib Livingston: The Oxford English Dictionary (2004 update[33]) lists octopuses, octopi and octopodes (in that order); it labels octopodes "rare", and notes that octopi derives from the mistaken assumption that octopus is a second declension Latin noun, which it is not.
bigjimslade: eh, I am by nature lazy, so if OED says it's ok, I just accept it and move on
bigjimslade: as long as it scores me some scrabble points
Squib Livingston: octopeese
Squib Livingston: flocktopus
betaray: OED also lists celebutante
betaray: so...
bigjimslade: well sure, they don't judge
bigjimslade: just because people speaking the language are fucking morons, doesn't mean they get to pick and choose

Founding Fathers

Niteowl: how is the Public Option going, Katya?
Katya: people think it's going down in flames
Katya: pls see metafilter
Squib Livingston: the dems made a million concessions to the republicans who won't vote it in anyway
Squib Livingston: so it's a shitty bill nobody wants
Squib Livingston: so I quit. I quit the democrats
Squib Livingston: gonna become a republicans just so I can feel victory every 4 or 8 years
Squib Livingston: cos even when the dems win they don't do anything
Squib Livingston: republicans = evil. democrats = impotent
Squib Livingston: I'd rather be evil!
***Squib Livingston seals himself in a suit of black armor and starts breathing WAAAA POOOO WAAAA POOO
liquidindian: As far as I can tell the founding fathers of America were idealists who didn't expect half of your country to be voting in frothing loons in a couple of century's time.

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Bear Force One

Faux Real: youtube bear force one
Cyrano: there's no way "Bear Force One" isn't the name of a gay porn movie.
Cyrano: hmmm... close:
Cyrano: gay boy band:
Faux Real: that was what i was talking about
Faux Real: that band is awesome
Cyrano: I prefer that my musical homoeroticism come in the form of Japanese men in diapers.
Cyrano: I wonder how I would have reacted twenty years ago if you'd told me one day I would type the phrase, " I prefer that my musical homoeroticism come in the form of Japanese men in diapers" and mean it.

Is Like

Faux Real: polyamory is like the sports cars of relationships
Faux Real: hard to maintain
Cyrano: better if Italian.
Faux Real: more for status than utility
Faux Real: and better if italian
niteowl: all the hoses have been overworked
niteowl: rubbers need to be changed frequently
niteowl: middle-aged men think they should get into it

Why Would You Want To Know The Diff?

Faux Real: there are too many lifestyles
Faux Real: i am sure i live 3 or 4 without knowing it
Faux Real: now all the hipsters dress like bears so i cannot tell who is a bear and who is a hipster
Cyrano: is bitter, lonely person a lifestyle?
Cyrano: wut?

Not Really A General Case There, Faux.

Faux Real: ever get invited to a christmas party at a co workers house where you were the only one invited?
Faux Real: and it seems like there are 3 families living in the same house
Faux Real: and over the course of the evening (and several beers/scotches) you figure out this is some kind of polyamorous group?
ralph: and you're the guest pee-pee?
ralph: could be just an amway thing
Faux Real: and you want to leave but one of the guuys has a collection of 14th century armor (recreated in his shop)?
Faux Real: then you join sca

Cultural Differences : Part 2

niteowl: i can think of few things more terrifying than a formal dinner in the South. dinner ware politely clinking, a chef's take on 'some old time Southern favourite' being eaten, everyone look dazzling and fantastic.
Cyrano: i don't even know people who know people who do that shit.
niteowl: the hostess clearing her throat politely, looking over to me in the generous way that i imagine only great established matriachs can, and saying, 'so tell me jason, when did you come to our country?'
bigjimslade: well technically you are a foreigner
spruce: 'oh, and would you mind fetching me some coal from my father's mine? Won't take a moment, you darling man'
greens: Or mentions 'your people'
niteowl: 'you darling little man'
bigjimslade: actually what would be worse is she turns to you and says "I believe we shall take our mint juleps on the veranda, and bring some canapes when you come out of the kitchen"

Scary, scary, scary, scary, NERD.

betaray: hey, who hasn't been a guido in a jersey shore house?
betaray: the days when we'd just drink, fight, and fuck indiscriminately
betaray: I once downed a bottle of isopropyl then beat shana over the head with a 2x4 because she was having sex with a greased up firefighter
betaray: but who hasn't?
betaray: I just realized in metric land your hacksaw jim dougan would wield a 5x10

Cultural Differences : Part 1

niteowl: sad but true
niteowl: slightly boring story
niteowl: when i was... 27.. or so
Cyrano: yup, already bored.
niteowl: went to a Traditional Chinese 1 Month Baby Dinner thing..
niteowl: yeah, i dunno wtf.
bigjimslade: zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
bigjimslade: I mean, do go on
Cyrano: please do.
niteowl: anyhow, very traditional, everyone sitting in the expensive wood chairs, old mothers gossiping about who got into med school, who's maintaining a 4.0 at Stanford, same old shit
niteowl: there are.. lots of.. weird.. traditions going on. Coloured boiled eggs? something. something
niteowl: very formal and crap
Cyrano: you totally farted, didn't you?
niteowl: i'm at a table with buncha young folks like myself, all Chinese
niteowl: one of the mothers drops by and says, "and this is for.. oh, but you all know this already"
niteowl: i didn't have the heart to say
niteowl: END SCENE
Cyrano: so you didn't offend anyone?
niteowl: this is like bigjimslade going to NASCAR, i imagine
niteowl: sadly, no, or this story woulda gone somewhere
Cyrano: fitting in with rednecks is easy.
Cyrano: assuming you're white.
Cyrano: and can bite your tongue a lot.
jdharper: He learned his lesson that day. And now, he doesn't worry about offending anyone except people in the Southern US
greens: Needs more, "AND THEN I SAY TO MY BLACK DATE"
niteowl: i'm TERRIFIED about offending people in the south, jdharper
niteowl: i realize that's a bit of the snake eating it's own tail there

Sounds Like A Klingon Saying

greens: hating is normal and necessary
greens: 'haters gonna hate' meme is a cop out
spruce: where's faux to counterbalance the spite?
stresstwig: faux's becoming old and ragged and spiteful
stresstwig: like a gnarled root
greens: i read gnarled foot
stresstwig: either way my friend
Cyrano: i'll show you a gnarled root.
greens: i like foot
greens: pants off again Cyrano?


stresstwig: what's going on
liquidindian: We're complaining about the young, the irritating, and the poets.
greens: Hasids vs hipsters
spruce: wood chippers vs nail clippers
greens: cut vs uncut

As In Portfolio?

stresstwig: anybody use foliospaces?
stresstwig: heard of it?
niteowl: vaguely
stresstwig: what the balls is it
stresstwig: i've been told to "look into foliospaces"
stresstwig: apparently it's this
ralph: man, I love muddy thinking and vintage 1999 powerpoint graphics
jdharper: needs more arrows
stresstwig: i cant' figure out what the arrow circle is
stresstwig: is that the water cycle
stresstwig: maybe the circle of life
ralph: it signifies either that it is an iterative process
ralph: or a complete chinese fire drill

AskMe : Callback

ralph: a long time ago a neighbor gave me fresh dill. I put it on a roast beef sandwich as if it were lettuce--like a ton of it
ralph: burped it for a week
ralph: can't get near the stuff now
stresstwig: why would you do that
stresstwig: looks more like a weed than lettuce
ralph: it was 2005 and shit was crazy
stresstwig: i see what you did there

Saturday, December 12, 2009


stresstwig: from that article: "I have some hobbies myself that are fairly pricey and I can't really blame her for that," Jeff says. "However, occasionally a string of new games will come out within a two day span and magically a few hundred dollars will be missing from the bank account. With as much time as she has allotted for video games and the kid I can account for her whereabouts at any given moment so I'm certain that she isn't cheating on me."
jdharper: That man has a talent for finding silver linings.
jdharper: "Well, I have cancer, but think of the money I'll save on haircuts!"


jdharper: Why are we breeding animals to be stronger than us
jdharper: we are engineering our own doom!
stresstwig: ...
stresstwig: i'm just going to imagine you burst in here in a lab coat covered in blood, slightly singed, goggles askew
stresstwig: arms flailing in desperation
jdharper: Doooooooooooom!
stresstwig: yeah


Katya: man i need to be in a relationship
Katya: someone get in a relationship with me
liquidindian: Okay.
Katya: thanks
Katya: you don't treasure me enough, we're through
liquidindian: Wow, not much of a queue, was there?

It's Like Marrying Rich!

liquidindian: 8.1% of DC is gay.
liquidindian: Go gay!
bigjimslade: And get a camera! The internet loves lesbians! It's a relationship and an income, all in one!

Give Stresstwig's GF a Handle

Katya: maybe her name should be "give me a new computer"
spruce: beardcomber174
Katya: "Puzzy Killow"
Katya: or Pussy Kill-ow
liquidindian: Dong Slapper
Katya: Magnum's Mustache
Squib Livingston: Babe Ruthless
Katya: Crimson Wave
Squib Livingston: Twig Rider
Katya: "The Most Unlucky Woman Ever"
spruce: aggrobranch
Katya: Rethinking Relationship Choices
liquidindian: poethater
Squib Livingston: Dr. Girlfriend
Katya: Open To Swinging
liquidindian: Unfu1fi113d
liquidindian: Secret Lesbian
liquidindian: Where's the line here? I'm not sure how far is too far.
Katya: Princess Hasadick
Squib Livingston: Stresstwat
Squib Livingston: there. there's the line.
spruce: I think stress has walked away from the computer in disgust by now
Squib Livingston: anagrams of stresstwig produce nothing useful
Squib Livingston: dresstwig
liquidindian: NICE
Katya: thats cute
stresstwig: she is adamantly opposed to being the female version of my name
liquidindian: What's the etymology of stresstwig, anyway?
spruce: I don't blame her
Katya: what does she like to do?
liquidindian: She does stress and 3 hos?
stresstwig: second picture here liquid
Katya: what does she like to do?
stresstwig: current winner is "blamehorse"
liquidindian: Stressdistaff.
bigjimslade: maybe something unique to the internet
bigjimslade: like Raven or Viper
Katya: Ace
bigjimslade: add Dark or Black to the name for added unique
Katya: Dark Phoenix
Katya: OR Dork Phoenix
spruce: and why is a poet asking us for help for clever wordplay?
spruce: sham!
stresstwig: oh dear
stresstwig: spruce called me out

Unrelated, But Fortunately Close Chat Threads

itchy: my father wants to buy my family a nice telescope for xmas, so now i'm frantically trying to decide which one (in the $500 range)
itchy: i'm thinking dobsonian for shear bang
itchy: but that also means no photography
itchy: but ultimately, i want to be able to see deep space objects, not just the planets
Katya: this kid is gonna get beat up early and often


liquidindian: An "active threat"
itchy: best quote from that article "Reverend Terry King said the elderly paedophile can still walk for miles and should be kept away from children."
itchy: but kids can run fast, right?
itchy: he'll never catch them
Cyrano: kids are kinda dumb though.
Cyrano: he might be tricksie.
betaray: once again, old grey bearded dudes impress me
liquidindian: To be active at 100 is impressive, yes.
Katya: he's like an insatiable zombie of pedophilia

Still Unacceptable To Make Vrooming Noises

itchy: man, yay ... my kid will be old enough soon for me to start building model rockets
itchy: not that i couldn't do it before, but now i have an excuse

Less Ridiculous With Time

itchy: whoa, i went to James Madison H.S.
itchy: just not the one in Midwood
spruce: I wonder what high school James Madison went to?
spruce: Probably something like Sir Walter Raleigh High School, home of the Fighting Pantalooners

More Pragmatic Issues

liquidindian: That teacher story sucks.
liquidindian: They were caught by the janitor?
liquidindian: All those young boys that could have caught them instead.
liquidindian: They would have appreciated it more.
spruce: if the janitor was a proper lecher, he would've stayed quiet
spruce: and hoped it happened again
liquidindian: Exactly.
Cyrano: he probably tried to join in but was turned down.
Cyrano: smash a man's porn fantasy and he gets bitter.
liquidindian: Maybe he was worried he'd have to mop up when they were finished.


spruce: I have a thank you item for Braid I'd like to zip your way
itchy: oooh, nice
itchy: sure
itchy: is it a new graphics card?
spruce: no, just a drawing that you'll have to awkwardly thank me for and reluctantly hang up over your fireplace when I come to visit
liquidindian: A drawing of a graphics card?
itchy: oh, just like the photo of my parents
spruce: well a pasta collage of a graphics card
itchy: probably get better frame rate
liquidindian: Will it have BFF 4 EVA on it in glitter?
itchy: HA
itchy: now THAT i would frame
spruce: in glittery fusili, yes

Clean Family Fun

liquidindian: Wait, I've done that wrong.
liquidindian: That's like ATM Machine.
liquidindian: I am inexperienced in the ways of teenage girls.
liquidindian: Despite my best efforts.
spruce: wrong chatroom again, liquid. That should've been in the jailbait muppet appreciation room
liquidindian: No.
liquidindian: I'm banned from there for going too far.
betaray: you just wouldn't stay on topic, we told you muppets and furries are different!
betaray: we don't want any sick stuff in there

This Is Actually How Lehrer Started

itchy: my wife also bought lego rock band so the kids can play too
itchy: it's gonna be great
itchy: they no longer have to sit on the couch and watch dad play
itchy: the funny thing is, they love all the animation in the background, so it's win-win
itchy: the crowd screams, the kids scream
itchy: and i feel like a rock star
itchy: on pbs

Thursday, December 10, 2009


Niteowl: and how was whatshisface 'black guy who i always mistake for that black guy from SNL but not the funny black guy the other guy tim whatever''s accent bad?
chundo: tim meadows?
Niteowl: yeah
Niteowl: life is much less verbose for those who remember people's names

The Internet is All You Can Eat

itchy: fuming
liquidindian: Oh?
liquidindian: Let it out, man.
liquidindian: Tell us all.
spruce: liquid feeds on rage
liquidindian: I am bloated by the fury of others.


Squib Livingston: I still don't know if Carey Elwes has an accent or not
ralph: him and house insist on reverting to cockney and RP, respectively, when in interviews
ralph: I kind of think, WTF you just proved you can speak properly, why show off the old accent?
Squib Livingston: maybe it's like going black
liquidindian: Connery! Connery in The Untouchables.
Squib Livingston: or Red October
ralph: connery as an egyptian spaniard
Squib Livingston: or anything
Squib Livingston: still, you gotta accent it up a little
Squib Livingston: fucking scottish submarine commander
ralph: so that Jesper Parnevik and Dr Frank N Furter could see monta-na
bigjimslade: at least he didn't say the Red October was a nuclear wessel
Squib Livingston: tom cruise in that nazi movie
Squib Livingston: costner as robin of locksley
bigjimslade: Tom Cruise in the movie where he talked


ralph: Damon does good masshole
bigjimslade: yeah he does, he- HEY

So Irish

ralph: oh jesus listened to a reading of a new cory doctorow short story ---it's a star trek spoof
ralph: the first forty minutes is some fucking dude who's so irish he sounds like an LP played backwards


Squib Livingston: hm, now I want to watch Henry V with Branagh
Cyrano: I watch the St. Crispen's Day speech on repeat every now and again.
ralph: yeah last action hero was weirdly low-stakes--they announced up-front it didn;t matter, kind of
ralph: unlike, say, Commando, which cut to the very core

He Does Whiny Kid Flawlessly, Though.

Squib Livingston: oh god basher from ocean's eleven YES
Cyrano: i do like The Rock for those times when my left brain needs night off.
Squib Livingston: my wife and I still make fun of that whenever we see him
ralph: keanu in dracula
ralph: everyone in highlander
Squib Livingston: well, no one was expecting much
Squib Livingston: leo dicaprio in everything

Personal History

cheesoning: dude, if you ever make it back to the IL, we'll get a six pack and sit by the dock
cheesoning: this shit happens all day while people try to get their boats in and out of the water
Cyrano: geese are assholes.


Squib Livingston: can't you invite in some more chicks or something
Squib Livingston: how many swingin' dicks will it take to satiate you
Katya: there are not enough
Katya: im insatiable for swinging dicks
Squib Livingston: it's always MORE COCKS MORE COCKS with you
Katya: cockle-doodle-do more
Squib Livingston: if sperm was china you'd be... china
Squib Livingston: no wait
Squib Livingston: if china was sperm, you'd be no that's wrong
spruce: at least consider a eunuch, or an asexual cartoon animal

Why I Edit

Cyrano: the hollindaise at IHOP looks like pus.
Squib Livingston: I have to poo

Noble Sacrifice, Terrible Safety Measures

betaray: so they're saying it's already in the normal game mode, eh?
betaray: that's interesting
betaray: interesting enough to see what the steam forums have to say about that
***betaray plugs his nose
bigjimslade: I'll miss him
***Squib Livingston ties a rope around beta's waist
Squib Livingston: remember, pull it 54 times if you're okay, and 55 times if you need help

Disgusting to Dadaist

spruce: I think it's a swordfishtrombones kinda day
itchy: is that like a rusty trombone?
itchy: because i'm really not in the mood
spruce: he came home from the war with a party in his head, and an idea for a fireworks display

You Don't Even Play WoW.

betaray: some new viral advertising for WoW:
Squib Livingston: I think she threw a boner grenade at me


chrisd: my girlfriends were all old. ...enough
itchy: .... = barely
Niteowl: ...for Thailand
Niteowl: ... pre-colonial
Niteowl: ... if i was a 9 year old boy

Christmas Hints Are So 80's

ralph: harris tweed laptop sleeve. Either you're shopping for John Hodgman, or for the utter twat in your life.
Niteowl: i ain't buying you that, ralph


chrisd: i'm behind here, but as far as I can tell, the only purpose of Zima et al is to get underage girls drunk.
itchy: well, i feel awkward now
Niteowl: just because you dress like one doesn't mean you are one, itchy
Faux Real: my favorite part of bab five is the zima signs in the bar


betaray: this is what jim's so into:
the_high_hat: MOM!
itchy: MY EYES
itchy: she wears that belt kinda high
itchy: christ, she makes beef jerky look like filet
itchy: at least she keeps things neat and tidy below
betaray: that's why we avoid the sun, kids
the_high_hat: the belt is to keep her skin from falling off
bigjimslade: FAPFAPFAP
itchy: big jim has a thing for long nails
itchy: her leg looks like a twisted slim jim
Niteowl: that is some... i can't do it.
ralph: is that brigitte bardot?
spruce: and that's a slim jim you could probably actually step into
bigjimslade: or snap in half
ralph: sweet jesus
betaray: eeeeeewwww yeeeeaaaaah
ralph: she's so old the herpes probably died though
Cyrano: i like how you can clearly see she's working on those tan lines.

Don't Get Brad Pitt Pissed

ralph: 65-yr old businessman to monk in line at office building security last week
ralph: "this is all because of those fuckin muslims. We ougtta drop khaled sheikh mohamed out of a helicopter at ground zero"
ralph: monk: I know--i can't believe how they fucked up northern ireland

Private Humour

man1: he's maybe 53, well-educated
man1: on the phone a minute ago, talking about a contract
man1: asked me about back injuries
man1: said "I wish I could just buy a new spine from a mexican"
itchy: that's horrible man1
itchy: (but i bet you can)
man1: I was kinda surprised
man1: usually I save the racism for friends
betaray: yeah, everyone knows you buy organs from indian and chinese people

That's What The Code Is For.

ralph: I like this site, outdoor gear woot
the_high_hat: you prefer a lady's cut, meta?
the_high_hat: if you're into ladies' backpacks
ralph: they accomodate my wide hips
ralph: I mean
the_high_hat: keep talking. I'm at home.
Cyrano: "daytrips into the backcountry" sounds WAY code.
the_high_hat: it's not really code. It means butt sex.

Social Media : Q and A

cheesoning: why is facebook better than myspace?
ralph: fewer minorities
cheesoning: why do people routinely give apps access to all of their info?
Katya: because they are stupid
cheesoning: why is it so hard to find the information about myself that I'm looking for in fb?
Katya: you dont' really know yourself
cheesoning: that is true

Social Media : Search!

ralph: never did fb, won't until govt makes me
ralph: did friendster, watched it die
ralph: did myspace, watched it suck
stresstwig: i figure i might as well track photos of myself that other people take
stresstwig: also there is a video of me kicking a pillow into a basketball hoop

Ever Since Mel

betaray: google books is the best thing evar
ralph: until they start editing
ralph: deleting
ralph: censoring
ralph: "optimizing"
ralph: for your comfort and security
stresstwig: yeah honest question: what does google have to gain with a browser
stresstwig: for that matter
stresstwig: what does mozilla have to gain
ralph: control
betaray: a platform
ralph: brb tinfoil hat is itchy

Why Don't You Just Read A Goddamn Book.

Niteowl: some point, far in the future, when cybernetics and nano-whizbangery have replaced our need for love and our conception of the soul,when the death of our aged star has consume the solar system and we, wayfarers of space and time, are lurking unbidden in the UnderDark, conceiving of Notions and Ideas to bring very Creation to its knees, I'm going actually have a fucking topic that I can speak cogently about.

A Great Problem

Katya: yay my rpg game was cancelled tonight so i can actually do the star trek online beta for once
ralph: katya's gaming gets in the way of her gaming
ralph: I sympathize

Ok Then

ralph: there's nothing cushy about life in the Women's Auxiliary Balloon Corps


spruce: i'm glad I don't live near fantastically wealthy people. I think it'd make me an angrier person
stresstwig: that's why i live between long term storage and mobile homes

Tiger : Visualize

itchy: i'm picturing Tiger at a hooter's, after finishing his second pitcher of beer, banging a waitress on stack of 2008 calendars waiting to be recycled
Niteowl: that's.. very detailed
itchy: zzzzip

Tiger : Sod

itchy: actually, i'm rather disappointed in the man ... many kids look up to him
itchy: many adults too
spruce: I'm disappointed in people that look up to golfers
itchy: you're just disappointed you got cut from the jv golf team in high school
itchy: and that's when you found art
spruce: most of my art involves torn sod
spruce: but it's a COINCIDENCE

Press Pound, For Crippling Lifelong Debt

Cyrano: geez, my last year in college was a big deal because we could register *by phone* for the first time.
spruce: haha
Cyrano: uphill.
Cyrano: both ways.
ralph: me too cyrano
ralph: it was buggy
ralph: four years later, students started appearing on campus with cell phones

Tiger : Devotion

ralph: tiger gets in one-car driveway accident
ralph: it is later revealed that wife smashed window with golf club, he then hit fire hydrant
ralph: focus turns to wife
ralph: tiger turns to pr agency
spruce: I don't know why people care. He's probably boring as hell, as a person. This is someone who has devoted a significant portion of his life to the sport of golf, after all

Trivia! Solved!

gordonfrohman: pub trivia tonight
gordonfrohman: quick give me trivia answers
gordonfrohman: QUICK
betaray: 1215
niteowl: 32
niteowl: YOUR MOM
niteowl: gently, then vigorous, make sure to apply hot soap and water for at least 20 minutes after
niteowl: inoculated donkeys, all of them
niteowl: 1876 OR 1928 depending
gordonfrohman: I don't know what "trivia" means in canadian
niteowl: Not the letter W
gordonfrohman: but clearly there is a culture gap
niteowl: dude, don't go fishing if you don't know what the bait'll pull in

Circumcision : Confetti

greens: I'd think for as much as a dick can smell, it'd smell worse with a flap of skin over it...
niteowl: hookay, we are firmly in Slightly Nauseating Niteowl Territory
***niteowl pulls ring, confetti falls from ceiling
greens: foreskin confetti

Circumcision : Certainty

gordonfrohman: katya: of the cocks you've encountered, any preference between the cut and uncut?
gordonfrohman: dang. we need some more chicks in here
cheesoning: this might be why there aren't more.
greens: ralph left?
gordonfrohman: question is also open to any gays who might be around
gordonfrohman: or straights who got drunk that one time
niteowl: or straights who get drunk any chance they get and go watch drag shows 'for the fun of it'
niteowl: even if it's alone
niteowl: and the bartender knows their 'regular'
cheesoning: one time is not enough evidence for science.
niteowl: are you getting close to statistical certainty there, cheesoning?

Circumcision : The Discussion

niteowl: it's like Butter vs Margarine
niteowl: depending on the year, one or the other is the Unholy Satanspawn Lardspread sure to render you impotent, shorter, and with small, jiggly manbreasts
greens: I wonder if chicks care
gordonfrohman: they do
greens: which way
gordonfrohman: well, some do. the one's I've asked
greens: care for it cut or uncut
gordonfrohman: they prefer snipped from a sexual perspective
niteowl: you and your mother must have such fascinating discussions, gordonfrohman

Story Time : Never Go Full Story

niteowl: oh yeah, when i was a kid, i was totally wild too! Like, this one time, uh... This one time I got like, a B- on an English quiz! But then I asked the teacher to retake it.
betaray: I used to put solder into outlets as a kid, luck I never burned down the house with that
greens: was it you lighting the carpets on fire?
betaray: yeah, I lit the carpet on fire, I think that's the same post where I talk about shooting the golden girls on TV with my bb gun
betaray: that was a lesson in gun safety :)
cheesoning: a group of guys I used to pal around with would go to people's houses in the middle of the night, lift and turn their cars in the driveway 90 degrees.
betaray: I once got busted by the neighborhood crossing guard for climbing around in a construction zone
niteowl: oh no, i did write a short story in Jr. High about a professional killer. and his meticiulous exploits, until he gets a pang of conscience and offs himself.
niteowl: i just got a few questions from Mr. Sanders, and that was it
cheesoning: hahaha
cheesoning: holy shit.
niteowl: wait, is that worse?

Story Time : Also, A Lucrative Side Business

gordonfrohman: we once found a house that was for sale and unoccupied, but it was unlocked and the power was paid up
gordonfrohman: so we basically spent the winter in there
betaray: that's an excellent find
cheesoning: is that when your fascination with hobos started?

Story Time : Teaser

Faux Real: my friend made an arc light out of two planters pots, a few bits of metal, and the 220 from the wall.
cheesoning: heh. I like where this is headed

Story Time : Diligence

greens: so parents are at work, summer
greens: i fill a 32 ounce big gulp cup to the top with gas
greens: set it on the backyard porch made of concrete
greens: bordered by yew shrubs
greens: light it
greens: nothing
greens: continued nothing
greens: just a little flame on top
greens: so i throw a rock at it in dissapointment
greens: entire porch goes up
greens: yews on fire
cheesoning: oh shit
greens: I run to the garage and grab the biggest extinguisher i can get
greens: put it all out
greens: never got busted until a week later
greens: My Dad asks: why is the big fire extinguisher discharged?
greens: fucking answer
greens: busted
spruce: your dad checked the fire extinguisher? Diligence!
greens: He was that way spruce, all the way that way
greens: but a cool guy
spruce: my fire extinguisher could be full of powdered diamonds, for all I know


greens: Anybody ever lit a pipe bomb? Have never seen one go off, or seen one for that matter
niteowl: and you call yourself an american
Faux Real: my dad lost an eyebrow to a pipe bomb
Faux Real: best sophomore portrait ever

Story Time : E.S.

cheesoning: I came home from school one day and found my dad seeing how high he could get the grill lid with M80s.
cheesoning: oh, here's a good story
cheesoning: we were up north (northern WI) at our cabin shooting bottle rockets out onto the lake at night
cheesoning: all of a sudden we hear THUUUMP
cheesoning: then "If you keep firing, I'M TAKING MYSELF HOSTAGE!"
cheesoning: it was the guy from two cabins down, night fishing in his boat
cheesoning: he introduced himself that morning as E.S. Hart.
cheesoning: Mind you, I'm about 10 years old.
cheesoning: My dad says "what's the E.S. stand for?"
cheesoning: Eagle Shit.
cheesoning: He was fishing the day prior and an eagle shit on his head

Octane Must Mean Something Else In Scottish

gordonfrohman: that's who I always wind up playing pinball with
gordonfrohman: a pinball wizard
gordonfrohman: so I bat a ball around for about 36 seconds, then wait there for 4.3 hours until it's my turn again
gordonfrohman: same with super mario bros.
gordonfrohman: and tag-team sex
niteowl: do you really need to tag?
niteowl: can't you just nod, or go take a nap? that's a sign enough, surely
niteowl: or just shout 'I BETCHA I DON"T HAVE TO DO CHORES THIS WEEK, HUH MA?'
niteowl: too far?
gordonfrohman: you gotta slap dongs
niteowl: dongs means hands right?
bigjimslade: ....sssuuuureeee
liquidindian has set the topic to: Slapping Dongs, the new high octane novel by Squib Livingston