Tuesday, March 31, 2009

A first try at Omegle

Connecting to server...
You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
You: Hello!
Stranger: Your company is pathetic. I have been on hold for minutes. Are you ready, or do i have to hold for another year?
You: My company is excellent actually.
Stranger: But be working with someone else.
You: We make the best hold music in the country.
Stranger: Omegle makes hold music? Irregardless, I'm ready for my customer service.
Stranger: Sir?
You: Damn. I was warned that this thing always came down to sex talk.
You: AND SO IT GOES
Stranger: What is your name, sir? I would like to make a complaint, without holding for another year, if you dont mind.
You: My name is Tom.
You: Please, unburden your complaint.
Stranger: Please place your immediate supiorer online. Tom WHAT?
You: I'm not going to give out my surname.
Stranger: Please don't try to bribe me. I asked for help, and you offend me. This is no way to host a customer service program.
You: I can't spell it, for a start
Stranger: Well, Tom, then i am afraid i will add this to my complaint, you being uncoorpertive.
Stranger: Now, i want to ask my question.
You: Please, go ahead.
Stranger: And if you don't answer to my satisfaction, I WILL RAPE YOU.
You: I am braced appropriately.
Stranger: I ordered your "sex cream", as your ad called it, and my clitoris has grown to epic, penis-like proportions. This is a side-effect mentioned in the ad. What should i do?
You: Ah, that's an easy one.
You: No problem!
Stranger: Thank goodness.
Stranger: Thank you, Tom.
You: A simple home amputation should fix that.
Stranger: Amputation? I don't understand your technicially jargon, Tom.
Stranger: technical*
You: It's all explained in the free amputation kit I'll courier over.
You: Due to courier rules, however, everything sent must be blunt.
Stranger: Oh, good, good. My lady partner and I will use it post haste. How long will this "amputation" take?
Stranger: Blunt? As in, "You are ugly and fat"? That sort of blunt?
Stranger: My lady partner is very blunt, if i may say so.
Stranger: And her penis is HUGE, but that's a different story.
Stranger: Tell me, Tom, will this courier be yourself?
You: It... can be.
Stranger: Internesting.
You: In fact, I'll just pop over now!
Stranger: oh oh, you just made a funny. But, Tom, how do you know where we live? Do you have my address for when i ordered the sex cream?
Stranger: Oh my, are you hear already? Someone is knocking.
Stranger: Shall i answer?
You: Yes. You are the only person who has ordered the sex cream, Mr Brandreth.
Stranger: Leave my "past" name out of this, if you will. We discussed this in my orignal purchases; i am a women and your company shall agree to this. Do not make me complain all over your face again.
You: We can only accept the gender assigned to you by the government, I'm afraid.
You: Not my rules.
Stranger: The goverment is not the ultimate authority, God is. Fuck, God made me a man. Okay, ignore that.
Stranger: Tom, there is a package (hurr hurr) at my front door. Your very fast, and this is one of the vew times that is a compliment.
Stranger: Now, what is this "amputation" kit? Let's see here. . .
Stranger: A manual. . ., a large, very large, manual? A . . . saw, well, that's odd. A roll of gause.
Stranger: Bandages, bandaids. Hmm?
Stranger: This is quite confusing.
You: We advise that you crush the offending appendage with the manual, while your partner plays soothing music on the saw.
Stranger: Ahhh, i am beating the blood out of my engorged clitoris, back into my body? inGenuis
Stranger: My partner's mouth is currently full; how else can she plan music on the saw?
You: Use it to hit a guitar.
You: Or oboe.
You: Or Timpani.
You: Or even another musical saw.
Stranger: Hmm, interesting, interesting.
Stranger: I see you also have sent a flashlight, hardhat helmet, and cave map. Is this some sort of joke at my obesity?
You: It's a reference to the absurd and unpleasant sexual practice of 'caving'
Stranger: What we do with our breasts is none of your business. Unless. . .
You: No, it's the one where you place kitchen utensils in various orifices.
You: Orifii.
You: Orificote.
You: Whatever.
Stranger: I'm sorry, we call that practice "Spooning". I guess different cultures call different sex acts different things.
You: Spooning is the one with the rake and the bicycle and the anus, you idiot.
You: Unless I'm thinking of rakey-bike-bum.
Stranger: I believe you are.
You have disconnected.

Monday, March 30, 2009

Omeagle : Oh, well played.

You: HI!
Stranger: heyy
You: i like that extra 'y'
You: makes me think of the Fonz
Stranger: :p
You: also, y chromosome, which reminds me of Die Hard
Stranger: Oh.
You: or sickle cell anemia
Stranger: uhh. k
You: what would you liike to talk about?
You: hopefully not some opaque internet meme that i have to look up
Stranger: No.
You: then find myself embarassingly at some Vampire slashfic site (again)
Stranger: im not one of those 4chan people
You: they are the starter of all memes. good or bad.
Stranger: yes.
Stranger: asl
You: can't recall the last good one, come to think of it
You: thirtyish! M!
You: crap.. what does L mean again?
You: location
Stranger: I HEARD U LEIK MUDKIPZ?!?!?!!??!?!?!?!?!?!?1
You: CANADA
Stranger: MUDKIPZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
You: hahahahhahahahahaahahahahahahahahah
You: FUCKING RAAD
Stranger: tbn
You: this is awesome!
Stranger: TBN
You: WHTA"T TBN!?!
You: is it HOT!?
Stranger: TBN!!!1
Stranger: TORONTO BISEXUAL NETWORK
You: LIKE TOBASCO ON MY WIENER!
You: ALSO!
You: ENGORGED SCROTUM!?
Stranger: NO
You: fuck
You: really?
Stranger: ARNOLD SCHWARENEGGER
You: sadface
Stranger: LEEK

Omeagle

Stranger: hey.
You: HI THERE!
Stranger: how are you?
You: I'm going to be SUPER enthusiastic in this CHAT!
Stranger: and WHO are you?
You: I"M GREAT!
You: FANTASTIC!
You: you?
Stranger: WOOHOO MUDKIIIIP>ZZZ
Stranger: show my PR0000N of mudkipZZ
Stranger: im
Stranger: fine
You: TELL ME more about this mudkips?! soudns like a shark with an eating disorder!
Stranger: oh man
You: ohly shit! pr0n of a mudkipz!?
Stranger: OF mudkipz
Stranger: its plural
Stranger: !!=!=!!!
You: that's like, boobies on a shark refusing to eat a well fed slow moving swimmer!
Stranger: enthusiastic fantastic
You: there should be dashes in there somewhere
You: sorry
You: DASHES!
You: !! != !!!
You: ?
Stranger: http://demiotakuism.files.wordpress.com/2008/04/mudkip.png
You: that's obvious
You: OMFG IT BROK MY COMPUATAER
Stranger: !!!/!//!//!!!DASH!!
You: i GOTS VIRUS! it's KILLING MY DOODS!
Stranger: BOOBS?
#
You: pr0n is b00bs, isn't it?!
You: tha tis, pr0n without b00bs isn't really pr0n at all, is it?
You: it's like Red Dawn without Commies
You: Robocop without baby food
Stranger: did you see my friend?
You: like Die Hard without Mr. Falcon!
Stranger: mike turbanisdirty?
You: why is your turban dirty?
You: you should be washing it, like a good sikh
Stranger: who are you?
You: i'm super ENTHUSIASTIC, i todl you
Stranger: who
You: and you, apparently, are into anorexic shark porn
Stranger: no
You: I AIN"T JUDGING though man
Stranger: mudk1pz
You: explain!
Stranger: no
Stranger: no
Stranger: no
You: (it better be about sharks)
Stranger: nonononono
Stranger: ok
Stranger: erm
Stranger: lil question
Stranger: how do sharks have sex?
You: SEXILY
Stranger: no
You: or else, how do you have p0rn about it
Stranger: imean
You: SIMPELMAN! like JESUS ON A UNICORN!
Stranger:
Stranger: just space
Stranger:
Stranger: is that webspace now?
Stranger:
Stranger: and
Stranger: how can jesus walk on water?

TYCOON

betaray I'm saying you could become a Comedy Industrial Training classes tycoon
Niteowl TYCOON! i like the sound of that
Niteowl sounds like typhoon and racoon all in one
betaray that's an unstoppable force right there
betaray OH NO!! TYPHOON COMING!!
betaray Lock the windows and doors
betaray OH FUCK IT HAS GRABBY LITTLE HANDS, DOOR CAN'T STOP IT!!!
betaray THE STORM ATE ALL MY SKITTLES!!!