Tuesday, March 31, 2009

A first try at Omegle

Connecting to server...
You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
You: Hello!
Stranger: Your company is pathetic. I have been on hold for minutes. Are you ready, or do i have to hold for another year?
You: My company is excellent actually.
Stranger: But be working with someone else.
You: We make the best hold music in the country.
Stranger: Omegle makes hold music? Irregardless, I'm ready for my customer service.
Stranger: Sir?
You: Damn. I was warned that this thing always came down to sex talk.
Stranger: What is your name, sir? I would like to make a complaint, without holding for another year, if you dont mind.
You: My name is Tom.
You: Please, unburden your complaint.
Stranger: Please place your immediate supiorer online. Tom WHAT?
You: I'm not going to give out my surname.
Stranger: Please don't try to bribe me. I asked for help, and you offend me. This is no way to host a customer service program.
You: I can't spell it, for a start
Stranger: Well, Tom, then i am afraid i will add this to my complaint, you being uncoorpertive.
Stranger: Now, i want to ask my question.
You: Please, go ahead.
Stranger: And if you don't answer to my satisfaction, I WILL RAPE YOU.
You: I am braced appropriately.
Stranger: I ordered your "sex cream", as your ad called it, and my clitoris has grown to epic, penis-like proportions. This is a side-effect mentioned in the ad. What should i do?
You: Ah, that's an easy one.
You: No problem!
Stranger: Thank goodness.
Stranger: Thank you, Tom.
You: A simple home amputation should fix that.
Stranger: Amputation? I don't understand your technicially jargon, Tom.
Stranger: technical*
You: It's all explained in the free amputation kit I'll courier over.
You: Due to courier rules, however, everything sent must be blunt.
Stranger: Oh, good, good. My lady partner and I will use it post haste. How long will this "amputation" take?
Stranger: Blunt? As in, "You are ugly and fat"? That sort of blunt?
Stranger: My lady partner is very blunt, if i may say so.
Stranger: And her penis is HUGE, but that's a different story.
Stranger: Tell me, Tom, will this courier be yourself?
You: It... can be.
Stranger: Internesting.
You: In fact, I'll just pop over now!
Stranger: oh oh, you just made a funny. But, Tom, how do you know where we live? Do you have my address for when i ordered the sex cream?
Stranger: Oh my, are you hear already? Someone is knocking.
Stranger: Shall i answer?
You: Yes. You are the only person who has ordered the sex cream, Mr Brandreth.
Stranger: Leave my "past" name out of this, if you will. We discussed this in my orignal purchases; i am a women and your company shall agree to this. Do not make me complain all over your face again.
You: We can only accept the gender assigned to you by the government, I'm afraid.
You: Not my rules.
Stranger: The goverment is not the ultimate authority, God is. Fuck, God made me a man. Okay, ignore that.
Stranger: Tom, there is a package (hurr hurr) at my front door. Your very fast, and this is one of the vew times that is a compliment.
Stranger: Now, what is this "amputation" kit? Let's see here. . .
Stranger: A manual. . ., a large, very large, manual? A . . . saw, well, that's odd. A roll of gause.
Stranger: Bandages, bandaids. Hmm?
Stranger: This is quite confusing.
You: We advise that you crush the offending appendage with the manual, while your partner plays soothing music on the saw.
Stranger: Ahhh, i am beating the blood out of my engorged clitoris, back into my body? inGenuis
Stranger: My partner's mouth is currently full; how else can she plan music on the saw?
You: Use it to hit a guitar.
You: Or oboe.
You: Or Timpani.
You: Or even another musical saw.
Stranger: Hmm, interesting, interesting.
Stranger: I see you also have sent a flashlight, hardhat helmet, and cave map. Is this some sort of joke at my obesity?
You: It's a reference to the absurd and unpleasant sexual practice of 'caving'
Stranger: What we do with our breasts is none of your business. Unless. . .
You: No, it's the one where you place kitchen utensils in various orifices.
You: Orifii.
You: Orificote.
You: Whatever.
Stranger: I'm sorry, we call that practice "Spooning". I guess different cultures call different sex acts different things.
You: Spooning is the one with the rake and the bicycle and the anus, you idiot.
You: Unless I'm thinking of rakey-bike-bum.
Stranger: I believe you are.
You have disconnected.

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