Moose.

spruce: so how do I get ham via my radio?
betaray: you have to hang out with a bunch of old dudes and take some tests
stresstwig: you have to set the knob to "grocery store" and then do moose calls into it for five minutes
spruce: sounds easy enough
stresstwig: well sure
stresstwig: until a real live moose catches wind of your act
stresstwig: then it becomes a delicate game of cat and moose
stresstwig: you with your radio, running gingerly around the house
stresstwig: the moose attempting not to knock over any glass figurines
stresstwig: if he catches you, placation is a must, but this task may only be completed by a staring match in which every 30 seconds you repeat a different catch-phrase from a 90's television show
stresstwig: if you fail, the moose will lick your naked torso until you fall asleep
stresstwig: when you wake, every single bread item in your house will be gone.
stresstwig: you'll spend the rest of the day moist, eating cold cuts, ruminating on the sunset
spruce: I guess this is why most people don't bother with ham radio? Did your father learn any moose-avoidance techniques at the conference he went to, beta?
stresstwig: he probably learned the jilly-jive, in which you throw the radio in a high arch over the moose, and slide under it, catching the radio
stresstwig: preferable to do this in a door way, where the moose has poor turn radius
Cyrano: this is starting to sound more like the long-awaited chance to share a well-honed fantasy.