Bad Company 2 Vs WASPs

chrisd: also if you change weapons you drop out of sprint
ralph: I can't change weapons sprinting in real life
ralph: it's either squash racquet or remote control, and I have to choose before I start running

Regional Problems

liquidindian: I am currently blunting scissors in pursuit of these headphones, yes.
spruce: don't hurt yourself
niteowl: can't you just cut around the edge?
niteowl: where the two flat pieces of the plastic are welded together?
betaray: Stick it in the oven and melt it off
ralph: accept suggestions from 4 and 6k miles away, respectively
ralph: on a problem that is somewhat local
betaray: my original suggestion was to shoot a gun at it
ralph: I could send my dog over
betaray: maybe smash it with a pint glass?
niteowl: have you tried making good natured, vaguely outdoorsy verbal jabs at it?
niteowl: fur trap the case off?
Cyrano: stick it in a sheeps bladder and boil it for a while.

Not Just A River In Egypt

cheesoning: yeah, if I had to choose between a week in NO vs. a week in L.A., fo sho mo gumbo.
ralph: I like it more than I did an hour ago
ralph: In new orleans, corruption and decay and decadence are kind of the offering
ralph: in LA, they try to pretend it's not there

Keeps Them Warm, Fools Them Into Thinking It's Not Morning Yet

liquidindian: I have 498 followers on Twitter.
liquidindian: Why does 500 feel important?
liquidindian: Just a number
spruce: stop stealth bragging, liquid!
liquidindian: Similarly, I can't find underpants that fit, what with my massive cock.

All Children's Books Are Drug Induced, Though

cheesoning: I really disliked Burton's Willy Wonka
spruce: but even the beasties and characters seemed completely uninspired to me
spruce: especially from the guy who once made Beetlejuice
bigjimslade: you mean how they took a semi-dark yet whimsical drug-induced hallucination turned child's tale and turned it into a vibrant Disney cartoon decades ago? Yeah I don't like that either
bigjimslade: haven't seen the new one though

Dog Kennels : Bad To The Bone

ralph: he also got bitten once kinda badly
ralph: I asked the guy how it happened and he said "well, the other dogs think he's kind of annoying"
ralph: I told him he should be a rape counsellor
bigjimslade: Hicks is a dog troll
cheesoning: did he really say that?
cheesoning: good thing you didn't find that asshole annoying, eh?
ralph: checking the blog
ralph: run by the owner. He used it to update people on how the dog was doing at the farm
ralph: MAGGIE--Maggie is a great dog and very kind with others, We love having her here and she never bothers the chickens,
ralph: HICKS- Hicks caught and killed a chicken yesterday...
ralph: yeah, kinda proud, kinda concerned
ralph: like finding out your son was having sex on school grounds

Dog Kennels : Better Than You

ralph: my dogwalker is going to PAX
niteowl: you guys don't got kennels?
ralph: kk-kennels?
ralph: you sick bastards
ralph: I'd leave him with the pats cheerleaders but last time they got gum in his fur
niteowl: wtf is wrong with a kennel
cheesoning: he lives in the city. They make the dogs fight.
ralph: I do it a lot.
ralph: I just hate the look he gives me
niteowl: yeah, well, naturally, we've never done it with Owl Dog, that's fucking sick, ralph
ralph: but if I sneak back, he's already totally forgotten and is playing happily
ralph: and THAT's what I hate

Sadly It Does Not

cheesoning: but the premise of the episode last night was that the daughter was acting funny. Someone tips off the parents that she might be dating
stresstwig: hahahhaaha
stresstwig: does it turn out to be heroin

Sonic

spruce: Sonic, you have to realise is a beverage-based eatery. The food is secondary
KatyaAtTheCerealBowl: ive never been to a sonic
KatyaAtTheCerealBowl: ive aloways wanted to try it
cheesoning: Sonic is good if you're on vacation and don't give a fuck.
Cyrano: my brother worked at one in high school. you'd think a whole house smelling of fryer oil would be nice but it's not.
betaray: Sonic is not for real food

Flair

spruce: god, I hate any place with mandated cheer. Fills me with instant rage
cheesoning: spruce, me too.
spruce: Happened to me at a Pot Belly. "Oh that's MY FAVOURITE kind of sandwich!" and "Here's your milkshake, made with LOOOOVE"
cheesoning: YOU CAN STUFF IT RIGHT BACK IN YOUR LOVE HOLE.
Cyrano: it's not like car insurance.
Cyrano: if the primary purchase driver of your product is shame and disappointment, do be chipper. that's my stance.

There's Apparently Footage

Katya: we just played a guy in LoL cnamed "PoonSlayer"
Katya: do you think poonslayer would go out with me if i asked
stresstwig: he's probably too busy listening to megadeth in his childhood room
bigjimslade: I would be concerned for your safety, he sounds very tough and dangerous
cheesoning: he's probably too busy screaming down to his mom for chocolate milk.
cheesoning: YEAH, I KNOW HE SAID MTN DEW BEFORE BUT NOW HE WANTS CHOCOLATE MILK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

More Zerbert

cheesoning: yeah, what's a zerbert? Maybe I'll run.
cheesoning: oh
Cyrano: cheesoning would like to announce the suspension of his campaign.
monitron: live on C-SPAN2, 3 hours of nonstop exposed Republican bellies and the Speaker of the House applying a lot of chapstick.
Cyrano: i think you just killed my dick.
monitron: i heard the final fantasy victory music when you said that

Zerbert, The Dark Side

cheesoning: you think Pelosi will be around for a while? This is less appealing if it's Henry Waxman.
monitron: mmmmm
betaray: that moustache would add a little something extra
cheesoning: I'm not into that. Plus, there might be some kind of velcro effect.
monitron: ewwwwww.
monitron: up to this moment i'd never considered male-on-male adult zerberts and the possible hair interactions experienced thereby
monitron: and I was okay the way I used to be :(

The Cosby Show, You're Thinking Of the Cosby Show.

bigjimslade: "Senate Republicans fuming over the passage of health care reform are now refusing to work past 2 p.m. -- a tactic they can employ by invoking a little-known Senate rule."
chrisd: there are way too many of those rules
monitron: Senate Republicans have invoked an obscure rule allowing them to stall further progress until Nancy Pelosi administers zerberts to each lawmaker.

Some Burrito Place

KatyaAtTheCerealBowl: just remember
KatyaAtTheCerealBowl: GUACAMOLE IS EXTRA
KatyaAtTheCerealBowl: EXTRAAAA
KatyaAtTheCerealBowl: every time i go there, even if they remember me and my guac getting ways
KatyaAtTheCerealBowl: i get that
betaray I need a recording of myself saying "burrito please, black, carnitas, hot, sour cream, cheese, (pause), guacamole, lettuce, yes I know, just water thanks"

Preemptive

cheesoning: hey, I have a tech question.
stresstwig: pour water on it
Cyrano: reboot.
spruce: jiggle the handle
stresstwig: give it a little gas

Bridge Is More His Game

itchy: cool ... i asked cake to make a BC2 subchannel on vent with all the squads underneath
itchy: looks like it's set up
Cyrano: so do you play with the same squad all the time then?
Cyrano: because I like you guys but I don't think I like any three of you that much.

Rohypnol Is EXPENSIVE, Man.

itchy left the room.
bigjimslade: way to go Cyrano
bigjimslade: you know how sensitive he is
Cyrano: I'm a squad killer.
bigjimslade: you made him bunch up his skirts and petticoats and scurry out
Cyrano: he's probably all a flutter as we speak.
Cyrano: possibly with vapors.
Niteowl: easy with the role-play guys, he's not even here
Cyrano: possibly wearing a gall gag... oh, sorry. OK.
***chrisd reminds himself never to faint near Cyrano
bigjimslade: I had been hoping he would pop right back in
bigjimslade: ah well
Cyrano: I'm very good with knots.

LoL

stresstwig: oh katya shen is out
Katya: I know
stresstwig: and they buffed ezrael
Katya: getting the update now
Katya: wanna see how mujch he is
stresstwig: and heimer
Katya: and i know!
Katya: i read!
stresstwig: also gragas
stresstwig: and there's some new skins
Katya: yes i know
stresstwig: and the reduced flash
Katya: yes iknow
stresstwig: jax has a new voice
Katya: yes i know
stresstwig: shaco got another mini nerf
Katya: yes i know
stresstwig: and rammus will display taunt text
Katya: yes i know
stresstwig: also particle and network improvements
Katya: yes i know
stresstwig: and you smell
Katya: yes i know
Katya: OH SHIIIIIT

Oh, Was She On That Rage Against The Machine Cover?

Niteowl: stresstwig: Lead and Gold is the new tf2
Niteowl: MARK MY WORDS
stresstwig: yeah
stresstwig: more like the new madballs
Niteowl: hahah
Niteowl: the new madballs
Niteowl: that game will live in infamy
Katya: stress? is your name phyllis diller? because you are on fire

Nuclear Winter Level Bug

gordonfrohman: I bought MLB 2K10 so I'm sure we'll all be playing that soon huh right
spruce: oh, uh, definitely
spruce: I hear the tobacco spit and crotch-scratching minigames are great
gordonfrohman: you'd probably actually like it
Katya: did they fix problems with online? like having online?

Gen.. der?

liquidindian: What's the best class to start and get a proper feel for the game?
Katya: medic
Katya: maybe
Katya: its good to level up with
Katya: and you can help your team once you get your health kits
liquidindian: I chose Assault, seeing as it reminded me of my favourite sort of sex

Pro Tips

gordonfrohman: whut
gordonfrohman: like you need an erection to sexually abuse someone
gordonfrohman: at least I don't
gordonfrohman: though it helps

Conversation Starter

tittergrrl: I forgot, your dick's full of radiation and masectomy coupons
metamonk: HI titter ,
metamonk: what the ever-loving fuck are you talking about

Teddy

bigjimslade: hell, just this picture: http://cdn-www.cracked.com/articleimages/wong/badassp/troosevelt1.jpg
bigjimslade: that is a hardcore motherfucker
cheesoning: haha: a How-To guide on ass-kicking manliness
itchy: he's undressing me with his spectacles

Cue Mug For The Camera

cheesoning: I suppose you guys haven't heard that this bill just summoned THE KRAKEN
Cyrano: i just find it weird that government can exert the power to pluck you up from what you're doing and send you off to war to possibly die, but it can't make you buy insurance?
cheesoning: so, in light of the fact that we'll all be eaten by a giant, flying dragon with 10 rows of acid soaked teeth, I think you can see why getting this 100% right was important.
Niteowl: we are very happy with our Kraken in canada, cheesoning, he's generally polite, eats innocent children only thrice a year, and isn't so picky about his aquarium
cheesoning: our Kraken has guns.
cheesoning: seems like overkill, but that's our kraken for ya

You Can Organize Them Later.

itchy: oh damn, i just went to the men seeking men section on SF/Craigslist .. .was going to send cyrano a joke link ...
itchy: got a pic of a penis
cheesoning: SHOCKING!
ralph: this group is way too exclusionary for a commune
itchy: i was shocked
Niteowl: remember, yer only gay until you close that window, itchy
itchy: pleasantly shocked
itchy: i'm still looking
Niteowl: i know
Niteowl: we all know
itchy: ha
ralph: aaaaand that;s the other reason I won't be joining
Niteowl: ctrl-D, then move on
itchy: i hate you guys
Niteowl: that's no way to get pictures of our penises

Normal Never Helped My K:D Ratio, n00b.

itchy: i'm telling you guys ... commune is the way to go here ... large compound ... stockpile guns
chrisd: great pings
cheesoning: we'll sit around in the absolute silence and think about how cool it would be if there were bars around to walk to.
chrisd: on-site data center. we can run it for beer money
itchy: it's not normal for 25 adult men to be able to identify over 25 types of guns that they've never actually held

Continuing?

chrisd: here, cheese: http://sfbay.craigslist.org/nby/apa/1656375272.html
itchy: hey look, they take cats under 25lbs
itchy: on Garfield drive nonetheless
chrisd: so, no lynxes, tigers, or pumas
chrisd: civets are ok though, for pooping coffee
cheesoning: thank you for continuing the coffee pooping cat dialogue. I thought I was alone.

Punkbuster

cheesoning: punkassbuster
cheesoning: punkass buster
liquidindian: Who calls something 'punkbuster' anyway, ffs.
cheesoning: jerknerfer
liquidindian: Anti-cunt.
liquidindian: Sorry, peaked to soon.
cheesoning: where do you go from there, really.
cheesoning: douchedropper
spruce: nerfherder
liquidindian: Scrotesquisher
cheesoning: that could apply to anything, though
Niteowl: we talking about cheat stopping or vasectomies?
bigjimslade: yes
bigjimslade: vasectomies for some cheaters! Tiny american flags for others!
liquidindian: Vasectomies all round will stop cheating in 14 years.

Find The Scotsman

liquidindian: Listen to this if you need a fix of indiepop: http://standardfare.bandcamp.com/album/the-noyelle-beat
Niteowl: who ever needs that?
liquidindian: Me.
liquidindian: If I don't hear a jangly guitar with a fey vocal every few hours, I shrivel up and die.
bigjimslade: handy to know
chrisd: liquidindian's kryptonite
bigjimslade: never know when they might find oil in England and we have to invade
liquidindian: Um.
liquidindian: There's oil in Scotland.
Cyrano: yeah, but there's Scots there too.
liquidindian: True.
Niteowl: are you comparing Scots to IEDs?
liquidindian: IEDs are more predictable, and don't drink.

Disapproving

itchy: chrisd, do you have a BC2 name yet?
chrisd: yeah, but i fucked up creating it and can't figure out how to change
itchy: ooh
chrisd: ui on EVERY non-valve game is just a pain in the ass
spruce: you don't like assblaster2099?
itchy: i don't think i like your tone
chrisd: well I picked rectuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuum but it has one too many 'u's in it
itchy: and now everyone keeps asking what rectu means
bigjimslade: "Even though I love having that many of U in there!"

Waaaaaaait for it.

liquidindian: I got rid of the jewish part of me.
liquidindian: Calcium Carbonate solution did it.
liquidindian: Alkali neutralises anything Hasidic.

Art Supply Store

spruce: clearly you haven't been in one
spruce: Imagine if your tasteless great aunt's horrible interior decor spread like a cancer into the size of a huge store
JDHarper: with contemporary christian music playing on the tinny little speakers
spruce: the horror

Right On His Resume

stresstwig: i mean I'm a poet, comedian, and college help desk
stresstwig: of course I fuck with people without them knowing

Do You Want Firefox To Save Your Tab Settings? yes.

Cyrano@home: Oh jeebus. I just noticed the watch has "1990" stamped on the back. I'm going to go off and crysturbate for a while.
Niteowl: that year makes you horny and sad?
Cyrano@home: that decade makes me horny and sad.
Niteowl: is it C&C Music Factory?
Niteowl: IT"S SUCH A. GOOD VIBRATION!
Cyrano@home: that was back when Mark Wahlberg had integrity, man.
Cyrano@home: and, Christ, apparently a negative body fat percentage: http://img.listal.com/image/353882/500full-mark-wahlberg.jpg
Niteowl: leading cause of steroid use among males 13-25
Cyrano@home: and probably first-time masturbation of girls of about the same age.
Cyrano@home: I think I'm technically gay until I close that browser window.

"Eye Contact And Genuine Affection", It's Right On The Price List.

Cyrano@home: I think the problem is every time I see Bateman now I just want him to launch into Michael from Arrested Development.
Cyrano@home: FUCK WHOEVER YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE PLAYING. GIVE ME SOME IRONICALLY BEMUSED DETACHMENT!!!
ralph: cyrano, how on earth can you expect him to launch into michael ? it takes four hours of makeup
ralph: and refresher voice training
Cyrano@home: I've always been told I have unrealistic expectations.
Cyrano@home: Normally by hookers who say I'm about $250 short for that, but still.

It's Not a "Comic", As You So Ignorantly Put It, It's "Manga".

spruce: I think those movies are meant to be time capsule performance art pieces, meant to be viewed by audiences from the future, who will get absolutely any of the references
stresstwig: god i could go for a cold refreshing zima right now
Katya: man zima is still all over the place in japan
spruce: that's because it's made of the fermented sweat of Japanese schoolgirls
ralph: I'm pretty sure that's in the national anthem
Niteowl: nerds have a national anthem?

Commenting On American Blogger, Living In Canada

Niteowl: i dislike how she keeps referring to Vancouver as HER city, yet referring to Canadians as something else
ralph: to be fair, she's got the only gun
Niteowl: oh well, i wasn't informed
Niteowl: i'm markedly less offended and more obsequious
Cyrano: isn't that a line from the national anthem?
Niteowl: dunno
Niteowl: it's my patriotic duty not to know it in it's entirety, or at all

Will. Not. Google. "Trampling".

ralph: catan without trampling is not catan
Cyrano: and I can tell you (along with a number of thai ladies that live in ralph's neighborhood) that he's a man who knows his trampling.

Moose.

spruce: so how do I get ham via my radio?
betaray: you have to hang out with a bunch of old dudes and take some tests
stresstwig: you have to set the knob to "grocery store" and then do moose calls into it for five minutes
spruce: sounds easy enough
stresstwig: well sure
stresstwig: until a real live moose catches wind of your act
stresstwig: then it becomes a delicate game of cat and moose
stresstwig: you with your radio, running gingerly around the house
stresstwig: the moose attempting not to knock over any glass figurines
stresstwig: if he catches you, placation is a must, but this task may only be completed by a staring match in which every 30 seconds you repeat a different catch-phrase from a 90's television show
stresstwig: if you fail, the moose will lick your naked torso until you fall asleep
stresstwig: when you wake, every single bread item in your house will be gone.
stresstwig: you'll spend the rest of the day moist, eating cold cuts, ruminating on the sunset
spruce: I guess this is why most people don't bother with ham radio? Did your father learn any moose-avoidance techniques at the conference he went to, beta?
stresstwig: he probably learned the jilly-jive, in which you throw the radio in a high arch over the moose, and slide under it, catching the radio
stresstwig: preferable to do this in a door way, where the moose has poor turn radius
Cyrano: this is starting to sound more like the long-awaited chance to share a well-honed fantasy.

What Exactly Are You Offering?

chrisd: ok: sports car project is go. I'm tearing apart the extra bimmer and building a car in my garage, starting now.
itchy: awesome
chrisd: I'll probably need two years
itchy: plz document
chrisd: yeah!
Niteowl: wow
Niteowl: NICE
ralph: what do you have planned for it?
Niteowl: if you need someone to like, fill up the washer fluid, check the oil, or fill up the tires, I"M YER MAN
chrisd: thanks Niteowl !
Niteowl: (you might have to instruct me on those, though)

Wanna Hear Something...

Katya: you know
Katya: when someone says "Wanna hear something funny?"
Katya: the "funny" thing should be something humorous
Katya: not "oh i ran into so and so at such a such a place"
Katya: like "I saw simon at mcdonalds"
Katya: yeah that's hilllarious
spruce: funny peculiar, Katya, FUNNY PECULIAR
chrisd: "Wanna hear something really banal?"
Katya: "wanna hear something really coincidental? it'll nudge your mind!"

Babies, Don't Let Her Smell Their Heads.

Niteowl: so, coming up to MY CITY, then ?
Niteowl: you can be the first person to meet the Owl family
Niteowl: have your GF propose to YOU, 'forget' her daily preventative, casually put puncture holes in your little raincoats

Surprisingly Common Tea Bagger Chant

Cyrano: "different cultural refinements" = "if you're over thirty it's time to sell those leather mugs you got at the RenFest."
Cyrano: I still have a wizard's staff I got at the RenFest when I was 13.
Cyrano: Just in case.
Cyrano: Like, if there's a mandatory LARPing clause buried in the healthcare bill or something.
Niteowl: a patriot is what you are
Cyrano: Most of a box of MRE's left over from Hurricane Ike and a big wooden stick. BRING IT ON SOCIALISM!

Cipher

Cyrano: that's what the Missed Connections section of the newspaper is for. "You: walking awkwardly leaving the public restroom. Indian food for lunch I'm guessing? Me: I'm Italian. ITALIAN."

If You Squint, It Almost Makes Sense, DISGUSTING SENSE.

liquidindian: I wish he'd get some new armour.
ralph: or wash the old ones
liquidindian: Apart from anything else, the big hole is bound to be at a pretty sensitive spot.
bigjimslade: that's usually the way it works

Animation Is EXPENSIVE.

Katya: and i started laying the moves on garrus in mass effect 2.
Katya: mmmm
Katya: scar faced catlookingsortamaybe guy
itchy: laying the moves?
Katya: gonna sex him up
itchy: and how do you do that exactly?
Katya: well i turn down the lights at home, light some cnadles
Katya: get very drunk
itchy: go on
Katya: turn on the 360 and then be unspeakably nerdy
itchy: HOT
Katya: actually i say "lets have sex"
Katya: and he says "why yes shepard, I think will have sex with you"
Katya: and then i see my head bounce up and down or something

Bioware Tactics

[Mefi] Cyrano: Every Bioware sword-n-dragon RPG I ever played a good tactic was to position yourself so that a doorway was a chokepoint. Only a couple of baddies had a direct shot at you at any one time because, you know, it's a fucking doorway.

How About Now? OR NOW!? Or.. now?

gordonfrohman: no, it's just that science promises things they never deliver on. We'll cure things! We'll have flying cars! We'll have holograms
gordonfrohman: What have they cured? Nothing! How many cars fly? Nothing! What kind of holograms do we have? Nothing!
gordonfrohman: Religion is smart enough to promise you things you'll get after you're dead
betaray: Or things that will happen any minute now

... WITH ACCESSORIES!

Faux Real: brad the vampire is my roommate
Faux Real: his name is brad
Faux Real: and he is a vampire
ralph: sure, it's a point of view

If We Just Met, And Were In A Trendy Coffee Bar Within Ear Shot Of Hot Chicks, This Woulda Been Insufferable

ralph: saw vonnegut at a christmas party like ten years ago
ralph: he was deep in his cups
ralph: while talking to my dad, he dropped the cigarette from his mouth
ralph: into his whiskey glass
ralph: and kept talking
ralph: dad, an occasional drinker, was not impressed
liquidindian: It's Vonnegut. He could crap his pants and he'd still be ace.
Niteowl: jesus, ralph
***ralph tries to emulate vonnegut, remembers he quit smoking, craps pants instead

Not, Uh, Horny? Internet Lied Again.

Faux Real: Roommate is playing Fall Out 3. One mod adds nose rings that add charisma. Me: "Does that nose ring add charisma?" Brad the Vampire: "Yes." Me: "That is the kind of logic that makes sorority girls insufferable."

Chances Of Him Finding A Venue ALSO Named That?

ralph: Brooklyn knitting factory had a muppet movie sing-along Sunday night and I missed it
bigjimslade: a block or two away
bigjimslade: Brooklyn
bigjimslade: knitting
bigjimslade: factory
bigjimslade: that's where you were, you weren't really sick when you blew me off, you were out knitting
liquidindian: Knitting hummous.
ralph: knitting factory is a music venue goddamn it
ralph: and the piles of yarn are so soft and I like to sleep on them and
ralph: http://bk.knittingfactory.com/
Niteowl: "ralph: Brooklyn knitting factory had a muppet movie sing-along Sunday night and I missed it"
Niteowl: wow.

New Yorker Take On Pets

ralph: kat should totally get a puppy
ralph: it's a surefire cure for depression
ralph: you don't have time to be depressed
ralph: you're too irritated

It's Imagining The Coffee Tables It Would Be On, That's Scary

monitron: apparently it would be a lot of work to get me my own login
ralph: also, you have to actually exist and not be katya's multiple personality thingy
monitron: i exist, i have a facebook
KatyaAtCaribouCoffee: that means nothing anymore
monitron: ummmmm
monitron: Twitter?
ralph: QED
ralph: pass, friend
betaray: I believe in you monitron
***betaray claps as hard as he can
monitron: if I were a figment of someone's imagination I'd probably have less character flaws and be closer to my ideal weight
gordonfrohman: photos of your nutsak is the only conclusive proof you exist
gordonfrohman: hold them up next to a copy of today's paper
monitron: I can help you there!
betaray: yes, each one is like a unique snowflake, and froh is a human database of nut prints
gordonfrohman: I wonder if nutprints are unique
gordonfrohman: that'd be a nice coffee table book
ralph: front or underside?

LIke He Said, Ign'rnt

gordonfrohman: I wish I was part something
gordonfrohman: cos I got tons of racial slurs
gordonfrohman: but I'm all white
bigjimslade: you're part-human, that's gotta count for something
gordonfrohman: sucks
Niteowl: you're just a european who has forgotten his heritage
Niteowl: that just makes you ignorant, not nothing
Niteowl: hurrah

Better Than Light Therapy

KatyaAtCaribouCoffee: ugh
KatyaAtCaribouCoffee: so depressed
KatyaAtCaribouCoffee: SO DEPRESSED
KatyaAtCaribouCoffee: someone help me
KatyaAtCaribouCoffee: im in the middle of caribou about to burst into tears
KatyaAtCaribouCoffee: aahhh
KatyaAtCaribouCoffee: or im gonna hit monitron in the nads
KatyaAtCaribouCoffee: maybe both
ralph: step away from computer
ralph: hit monitron
jdharper: find a puppy
Cyrano: then hit monitron with it.

Who Uses The Word "Jackal" Anymore?

Niteowl: what are you Cyrano? besides white, sardonic, and bitter as fuck?
Cyrano: bloated?
Niteowl: curvy?
bigjimslade: now if you had called him a cat-worshipping jackal-fucker, that would have been ok

You Can Tell It's Satire Because We Are Unpaid

gordonfrohman: could you design some 4x6 postcards for me to advertise my business of 3x5 postcards?
Niteowl: er
spruce: how about advertising your postcard business with mousepads?
gordonfrohman: that's so crazy it just might completely not at all work
spruce: a featureless rectangular mousepad printed in one colour. Very modern and minimalist
spruce: very striking!

Kung Fu Grip!

gordonfrohman: speaking of balls, why do mine hurt today
gordonfrohman: I didn't even whale on them last night
Niteowl: even if your left is asleep, it still counts
greens: torsion
greens: torsion sucks

Italian American Pro Wrestlers

ralph: I love the reactions of real irish people to professional irish-americans
ralph: jesus, give it a rest whydoncha
ralph: arabs don't have that problem
ralph: in the old country, they see us and say : congratulations! you're white!
Faux Real: who pretends to be arab besides pro wrestlers?

Search And Replace

stresstwig: basically, combine this with the thread on vampire weekend, and metafilter hates young people who are rich, metafilter hates young people who are poor
Katya: and they hate young people on their lawn
stresstwig: unless they are old fashioned and doing things the mccarthy way
stresstwig: breathing fire in a hellstorm of vocational degree
stresstwig: I guess if it were up to these folks complaining loans and federal aid would only be available to business degrees
bigjimslade: actually, stress, I think it's simpler than all that
bigjimslade: people on metafilter just like to hate
betaray: s/metafilter/internet/g

Hamsters, Porn, Necrotizing Fascitis

gordonfrohman: man firefox, you are the least stable you've ever been
gordonfrohman: 3 crashes this morning already
Niteowl: try opening only 10 tabs of porn
gordonfrohman: pff. might as well read the bible
Niteowl: not the saucy bits
Niteowl: so, yer basically stuck with Romans
gordonfrohman: they should add ewoks
gordonfrohman: who else will throw rocks
Niteowl: or just piteously attempt to awaken their friend, just fried from a blaster.
gordonfrohman: 4th crash
Niteowl: try 5 tabs of Ultra Erotic Hamsters With Necrotizing Fasciitis
Niteowl: only five, that is
liquidindian: A man with Necrotizing Fascitis walks into a bar. The barman says, "what's eating you?"
gordonfrohman: and how did the man respond
liquidindian: "ummf ummf ummf"
liquidindian: His jaw had disintegrated.
Niteowl: it translates into "I'm glad I"m not a hamster making a meagre living on porn websites frequented by commercial plumbing project managers."
gordonfrohman: PLUMBING AND HEATING DAMMIT
gordonfrohman: don't short my glorious career of doing whatever it is I supposedly do
Niteowl: your passion for you calling is clearly evident

And The Sexy Hobos IN!

stresstwig: sup haters
bigjimslade: fuck you
bigjimslade: er, sorry, hi
bigjimslade: got all caught up in being a hater
stresstwig: it's cool
stresstwig: i understand
niteowl: HUGs stresstwig
niteowl: BIG HUGS
niteowl: with choloform
niteowl: chloroform..
niteowl: What I Soak My The Shoulders OF My Sweater In
stresstwig: hahaha
stresstwig: i just drench my beard in chloroform
stresstwig: keeps the riff raff out

Offense Is The Best Defense? BOLLOCKS.

liquidindian: Which game had the horse armour?
liquidindian: Oblivion?
bigjimslade: I used my horse as storrage
liquidindian: Oh?
Cyrano: I just got the bag of holding cheat for that.
liquidindian: And where did you store your polearm?
bigjimslade: right in the horse's ass
liquidindian: Good good.
niteowl: well,
niteowl: stored, removed, stored, removed, stored, removed, stored, removed, stored, removed,
niteowl: if i ever got the weird twitch skills required to do the rocket jumping /boost/whatever in those videos, i'd just play TF2 by myself
Cyrano: (who wants this one?)
bigjimslade: (too easy)
Cyrano: (like his mom?)

WHAT?! Seuss Is Poetry!

niteowl: but those poems don't even RHYME.
stresstwig: niteowl i swear to god i will stab you

Sick And Sicker

itchy: so who did i pay for sex then?
***betaray looks around, whistles
***bigjimslade whistles nonchalantly
betaray: haha, beat you again!
bigjimslade: GODDAMNIT
bigjimslade: I went back to fix the spelling of nonchalantly
itchy: you guys need some time apart

Retreat!

itchy: wasn't james lipton a male prostitute briefly?
betaray: naw dude, you got ripped off
bigjimslade: I heard he was a sniper in 'Nam
bigjimslade: shit, beta wins
itchy: ha, i want my money back!

Forum Introduction Threads

liquidindian: It's traditional to say "I'm the one who's bottom of the scoreboard!" or similar.
ralph: "If anyone needs homeowner's insurance, give me a call."
Faux Realz: "i have an exciting business opportunity!"
Niteowl: "which one of you are GIRLZ? and gotta webcam?"

Might Account For Debillitating Lonliness

Niteowl: he said 'friend' way too much
Niteowl: i hardly call YOU guys friends, 'strangers of limited acquaintance' maybe

Try Again, Simile Boy

Niteowl: i didn't go stealth angry like ralph
Niteowl: i just went off on him, in text
Niteowl: i'm like, i hardly know you dude
ralph: oh no niteowl, I wasn't angry.
ralph: I'm a sociopath.
Faux Realz: his anger is cold, usable
Niteowl: like a german butter knife

HE Thought So, Not Cyrano

Cyrano@home: see, now what happened to me today? my lead says he's got rodeo tickets for Saturday and do I want to go? So I say sure, why the hell not?
Cyrano@home: It's him, his wife and me, plus this one other ticket if I know someone who wants to go...
Cyrano@home: ...
Cyrano@home: ...
Cyrano@home: ...
Cyrano@home: ...I do not.
Niteowl: is this going to end in debillitating sadness and the ever widening maw of mortality?
Cyrano@home: he thought it was funny.

Wait, Whose Attorney?

herrdoktor: so basically it's facebook, mefight club, wikipedia, metafilter, flyertalk, and periodically.org!
Niteowl: YEAAAAAAAAH
Niteowl: and all i had to do is confront you in the most awkward way imaginable while giving you no way out without either of us losing a tremendous amount of face
Niteowl: YEAH!
ralph: As your attorney, I advise you to drive at top speed
herrdoktor: haha
Niteowl: i don't have a car here, i can embark on the public transit in a hurried manner, is that ok?

Twilight Zone Episode, I'm Sure Of It

herrdoktor: there's a diner here run by some dood who has ties to some russian dating scheme. i think. all the waitresses are russian. literally, russian, not any other former USSR territory. and they're only there for a few months at a time. and then poof. gone.
Cyrano@home: I don't think I'd want to try the veal there.
Cyrano@home: "mmm... tastes like vodka and shattered dreams..."

Jenny

Cyrano@home: there's so damn many Jennifers I think it's statistically impossibly for most people not to have a Jenny Phase.
Niteowl: true dat!
herrdoktor: what about Jenni with an I?
Cyrano@home: whores.
Niteowl: or trannies
herrdoktor: what if instead of a dot ITS A HEART
Niteowl: herrdoktor: thick ankles, cloying perfume, attachment to her 4th grade recorder performance that placed 2nd in her elementary talent contest

That's Extra

Qwur: i tend to associate people with other people who share the same name. or, like, you know: people named "Becky" are very "Beckyish" or summin.
liquidindian: Beckys tend to be a touch aggressive, in my experience.
Qwur: "Adrienne" = pretty sweet, like adrienne rich. "Whitney" = 1/2 amazingly beautiful and also some slut from high school whom i don't remember well.
Qwur: the only becky i knew had freckles and a wonderful smile, and i accidentally grabbed her boob in touch football.
liquidindian: What is touch football for if not grabbing boobs?
Qwur: but man, i wanted to WIN. also, she had rather large breasts, so probabilities would be that what i would touch would be more boob than not.
liquidindian: Freckles, smile, buxom.
liquidindian: Any other info?
Qwur: yeah, she almost kicked me in the nuts.
liquidindian: (eg tel number)
Qwur: oh, no.
liquidindian: Tease.

Weird How "Sexual Healing" Is the LESS Creepy Answer

liquidindian: Can any of you guys name me some cheesily 'sexy' music?
Niteowl: the gentle beating of itchy's fist against the trunk wall of a 87 deville?
liquidindian: Maybe I'll just go with Sexual Healing.

Tractor?

itchy: i will have nightmares about that rabbit
cheesoning: nice work
herrdoktor: haha deadly rabbit
chrisd: excellent
itchy: i would have preferred sexy rabbit and deadly tractor
itchy: personally

We've All Been Students, Once

stresstwig: oh man i forgot about a bag of oranges in the fridge and now they are the most delicious oranges i have ever had
itchy: is it basically an empty fridge and a bag of oranges?

But What About CHEESE, FFS.

Katya: i bet he does't even have a cat
Katya: i bet he's masturbating right now to the backlog of us talking about it
cheesoning: you think that's his own hairball?
cheesoning: and the bloody stool was his?
cheesoning: "it licks the hair or it gets the hose"
Katya: or of the person he's got tied up
itchy: geez katya
itchy: sometimes you freak me out
Katya: how

Zoey Deschanel Doesn't Read The Blog, Dok.

Niteowl: speaking of girls, Zoey, who I know you're over, seems like the sort of girl who can be casually cruel and full of empty-eyed coldness
Niteowl: or maybe i just watched 500 days of summer too closely
herrdoktor: dood, that's totally hot, nite. i'm serious. because i can be just as cold and cruel.

Or Vault Full Of Gold Coins, McScrooge Style

itchy: where does logitech get off charging $200 for a keyboard?
itchy: seriously
stresstwig: on a giant pile of cash

Worst Usage Of 'Pics Or GTFO'

herrdoktor: so my cat, right? the poooper? i woke up this morning and found, no joke, a 6.75" long, dense hairball on the stairs.
herrdoktor: COULD THAT BE WHUT WAS CAUSING HIS PROBLEMS? only time will tell. in the meantime, i bought him a bag of that venison-and-pea shit to eat from the vet.
Katya: oh god
itchy: sounds like you broke out a ruler
Katya: pics of GTFO

A Perfectly Cromulent Way For Legitimate Actors To Make Some Extra Cash

Faux Realz: OH HELL YES
Faux Realz: http://www.polyvore.com/cgi/img-thing?.out=jpg&size=l&tid=1438071
stresstwig: wow
Faux Realz: my name has jumped the shark
stresstwig: and then starred in a japanese game show

We Named The DOG Shitler.

cheesoning: so, full disclosure - we're playing in TOWN - an TIME FROM DIRECTION OF CITY. My house is out that way and you're welcome to stay with us, naturally.
cheesoning: but it's a bit of a haul back
greens: Can I cuddle the new wood floors while drunk?
greens: Because if not...
cheesoning: if you can guarantee a vomit-free experience...
greens: I can't
cheesoning: meh, we're back to the Nature's Miracle discussion, then.
greens: I'll puke in the dryer. How's that
cheesoning: no bother to me, but I know someone who might take issue.
greens: Shitler?
cheesoning: no, he'd eat it.
greens: HA
cheesoning: you guys would be best friends.
greens: I'll wear him as a hat
cheesoning: you can use him to dry your hands and he can eat your vomit.
cheesoning: win/win
cheesoning: you can use him to test your food for poison.
cheesoning: man, that's three uses for that dog more than I had this morning.
greens: He sounds good for punting practice
cheesoning: too obvious

1 In A Billion Chance He Was Right

stresstwig: hey question for you tech types
betaray: 266mhz

Are You Implying Your Vet Is Much The Same As A Crazy Hobo With A Trick Knee?

herrdoktor: so last trip, the vet recommends a Specialist. internal medicine. for cats. wtf, right? so i figure, look. whatever. i'm so over steam-cleaning cat shit from the rug, and i feel bad for the dood, who otherwise looks perfectly healthy and has been acting like his usual, aso self.
herrdoktor: i go. he gets his belly shaven and gets an ultrasound. POW! 300 bucks. no answers.
spruce: had a friend whose cat did that. Turned out to be more of an issue with the cat being pissed off about something
herrdoktor: goes today for a upper endoscopy, man. 700 bucks.
herrdoktor: no fucking answers.
herrdoktor: "we'll see what the biopsy shows."
stresstwig: i know a guy who will shave a cat's belly for five bucks, ten if it's raining

Lileks : The Descent #1

jdharper: http://www.lileks.com/institute/funny/10/179.html
gordonfrohman: ah lileks
gordonfrohman: how I adored you before you turned into a right-wing loon
ralph: oh god me too
ralph: guy was hilarious, then ripped off the mask
jdharper: 9/11 changed everything
gordonfrohman: yeah, it was really a horrifying descent
spruce: what did he do to make it known that he was a right wing loon?
Niteowl: didn't 'get' The Paris Review
Niteowl: only read Pynchon ONCE
ralph: he started writing about muslims in a way that made me wonder what to pack for the concentration camps
bigjimslade: like we would give you warning

Lileks : The Descent #2

gordonfrohman: he also sort of turned into one of those "I'm The First Person To Ever Raise A Child And Isn't It Wacky" guy
Niteowl: hey, some of us less intellectually inclined ppl need to rely on 'i raise kids, ain't i whacky', k, gordonfrohman?
spruce: 'my offspring has finally developed his last thorax segment and is about done pupating. It would've been a more moving moment, had I not slipped on his molted carapace and digestive fluids! KIDS!'

Little Late On The Warning There, Sparky

Niteowl: my idea was gold, damnit
bigjimslade: but Canadian gold, and back then the exchange rate made it more bronze
bigjimslade: or perhaps copper
Niteowl: when the American dollar tanks, those jokes will come back to haunt you, Eomer
stresstwig: aren't they a little too connected?
Niteowl: YOU'RE a little too connected, level 4 academic compu-wizard !
Niteowl: i might be testy today, fyi

Balderdash!

betaray: so, quickly no one wanted to play with me, because I'm some kind of savant genius for recognizing the real meanings and coming up with meanings for the phrases that people will buy
betaray: a skill I never realized I had
***itchy drops a box of toothpicks
betaray: 73
***itchy looks at waitress in disbelief

At Least You Had Tips, Man.

Faux Real: Axis and Allies was the fist game i ever beat my dad at
Faux Real: because Japan is BROKEN
chrisd: ah that'd be chess for me
Niteowl: chess too
spruce: foxy boxing

But Moose Are Herbivores...

spruce: Man, I hate product reviewers who give something a bad rating for reasons that have nothing to do with the actual quality of the product.
spruce: "When I was using this ice cream scoop, a moose burst into the kitchen and bit my arm! TWO STARS"

Reportedly Kierkegaard's Questions As Well

KatyaAtCosi: http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2010/03/08/AR2010030803850.html?hpid=artslot
gordonfrohman: that's a hell of a life
gordonfrohman: eating your mom's shit and then drowning in quicksand
KatyaAtCosi: that's a womp-womp if i've ever heard one
cheesoning: maybe the mom ate delicious berries.
cheesoning: womp womp.
gordonfrohman: that's gotta be an argument against god right there. who would even think something like that up, and what's wrong with the someone who does
gordonfrohman: that would be my first question
gordonfrohman: well, no. my first question for god would be "Uh, did you see me masturbating all those years?"
gordonfrohman: second would be, why create an animal that eats its mother's shit and then drown in quicksand. I mean, what the fuck, dude
gordonfrohman: are you OUT OF YOUR OMNIPRESCENT MIND